Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."

      Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

      When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

       Breaking up would be a lot easier.  A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get "em next time" would pretty much do it.

    Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.

    It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helments, and go plllage a nearby town.

    Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugligness" ordianance.

    Tanks would be far easier to rent.

    Garbage would take itself out.

    Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

    Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "you're#1!"

    Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

   Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing Cops, or to the crooks.

    The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

    It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

    Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

   When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.  As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"  You:  "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."  Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

    The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

    People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

    Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

    Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

    Women weren't allowed to drive on public roads except in an emergency, like to pick up her drunk man from the bar.

    Bars would never close.

    Women would be at beck and call and mini skirts would never go out of style.

And then the man awoke  to find his wife had left him for his best friend and had cleaned out the house to boot.